4 Things I Learned From Divorce

1. People Take Sides

I had friend that I thought for sure would be around after making my final decision to divorce. However, people do not feel they can be friends with both people after a break. There is this need for people to choose a side even when you were both very good friends with all of the same people. This tends to result in a lot of heart break for both parties. I keep hearing divorce is comparable to death and I believe it is in many ways very similar to death and sometimes can feel worse because in death a person’s life has stopped they are no longer breathing and live no more. In divorce relationships come to an end but people carry on and as the divorcee you are constantly reminded of these relationships and lost friends through social media, through gossip and talk amongst other friends. There is nothing worse than seeing pictures of your ex happy with all of your shared friends on Facebook.

2. People Judge and Decide What’s in your Best Interest

Just as in death, people grieve differently. I’m a social worker and had to take a class on grief and loss in my graduate program and interviewed a woman who had worked at hospice. One of the things that really stuck with me about that interview is that she mentioned that people assume they understand how others feel after losing their loved one and the truth is that people are going to cope and grieve accordingly. However, there is not really a way to understand another person’s grief or how they are going to cope after losing someone they loved because that other person never had the same relationship as you and the loved one that you lost. Not to say that other people are not sad about the loss but each person is going to perceive the death differently based on their relationship with that person.

Now take this and apply it to a divorce. No outsider besides you and your husband/wife knew what it was like being in the relationship. And even the two of you might perceive your relationship differently. No friend knows, no family member knows, no coworker knows and not even your pet knows what it was like being in your relationship. People don’t think you should date right after a divorce, people think that you owe others explanations. They say, “you just need to find yourself.” However, some people have found themselves through the process of divorce itself. Some people have been lonely for so long they are ready to date right away. When you get divorced people are doing what they can to survive at that moment in time. Sometimes crying, having mental breakdowns and going on retail therapy shopping sprees that you can’t afford to begin with is the best a person can do at that time to just get by. Not to say that these things are healthy if they are habits that still persist 5 years later but initially after getting out of a 9+ year relationship it should be expected you’re going to fall apart a little bit. And the last thing you need is someone telling you, “Do you think you’re ready to date?; You need to find yourself; Go to work it will be a good distraction for you.” I left my divorce knowing exactly what I want out of a relationship because I had just discovered what I want and what I can’t handle in a relationship. And in being lonely I started to realize what makes me happy in life. Also, you start to recognize what failed in the relationship especially when you have been contemplating leaving for over a year. I suggest therapy to those who may be going through this process as I was able to gain a better understanding of myself through therapy. Lastly people don’t need judgment, they just made the biggest judgment call of their lives and that was deciding to leave in the first place. People are hurting through this process and they just need your support. People also sometimes fail to understand not only are you leaving a relationship, in a lot of cases your moving to a different city, you might be leaving a job as a result, you lost a lot of material possessions, you lost things that have sentimental value to you, you might have left your pets behind. So let people be sad, reach out to someone who is getting divorced because they are probably really depressed they aren’t going to be the same person. They might not be the same outgoing, party planner they used to be.

3. We All Take Things for Granted

When the initial decision was made to get divorced I made a plan with one of my best friends to move out of the house because living in the house with my ex was bad for my mental health at the time. However we had never put anything in my name. The cars did not belong to me and neither did the house.

I moved out without a car and slept in my friend’s living room in a one bedroom apartment on an air mattress for almost two months which I am very thankful for.I didn’t have a car for a small period of time but because of my amazing support system I didn’t go long without a car. There were a couple occasions though I felt pretty stranded literally and hopeless because I realized the only way I could get around on several occasions was through UBER and I was fortunate because I had money to take an UBER.

Also, people take their privacy for granted, just being able to have your own private space to do anything you want. I had no bed but my new apartment was ready a couple days earlier than planned. I slept on the floor in my new room after two months of sleeping in a living room. I just appreciated the quietness of my own bedroom to feel like something was finally my own again. I felt so gracious in that moment and realized how many people have to give up their privacy for even longer periods of time and in worse conditions.

4. True Friends and Support

I have people who decided to abandon our friendship and I have people who really stepped to the plate when I made the biggest decision of my life. While it hurts to know there are people who picked your ex over you it really highlights the people in your life who love and want to take care of you. Even strangers helped during this time of crisis. I had so many people step up to the plate: friend who lent me a car, friend who gave me shelter, coworkers that gave me rides, UBER drivers that noticed tears streaming down my face and talked me through my depression the entire ride home, a man who worked at the storage unit place who after telling him getting a free pen was the best thing that happened to me in the last two weeks put 3 more in the envelope that I opened when I got home, a relative that decided to send $400 dollars to help me in my time of need, people’s willingness to let you use their truck to move things, people who called you constantly to give you their emotional support any one who just listened as you cried, a father who out right buys you a car, a mom who drops everything to come see you on short notice and help get things for your new apartment, a boss that understands you’re off task and can’t focus.

This gives me goosebumps typing all this and brings tears to my eyes, but through this experience I truly understand how much I am blessed and it has highlighted the people in my life who bring light to the world, the people who care, the people who are worth everything at the end of the day.